worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
