it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
