You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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