Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
