I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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