after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
