Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
