guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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