I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
