if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
