Just took my morning after pill in the library
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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