Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
