I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
