evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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