I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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