Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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