just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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