I'm gonna have a badass scar
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
