I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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