If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
