The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
