i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
