I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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