The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
