Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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