I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
