i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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