how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I love having hate sex.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
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she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The power of my boobs compel you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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