tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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