Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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