i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
