i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
