Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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