listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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