So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
