is your mom at the bar?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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