You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
