hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
and she was petting her beer can
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
