I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.