She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name