there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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