She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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