He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
