If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
