he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
