Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
