She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
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The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita