you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
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It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???