Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I got inside last night via doggy door
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
