Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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