I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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