At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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