hotel room ftw
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
