It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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