Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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