My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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