my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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